Today I share an email I received from a friend...I'm sure he sent this email to me for personal reasons...however... the thoughts expressed in this email hit home...I called this the continuing saga of the black gay male...have a read:
A buddy of mine recently broke up with his partner of six years because his partner grew tired and bored with him. Now suddenly single, he is on a quest to sleep with and mess around with anyone he chooses because he is tired of being a nice guy in a lifestyle that does not appreciate it.
After two months of whoring, he is now convinced that his life is in more turmoil and is more unstable than it was prior to his break up with his ex lover. Approaching his 40's, my buddy is now going through a severe depression because he is feeling that he is getting to old to play games that he typically looses at, and the fact that he does not want to grow old alone. After eating dinner with him and another mutual friend, I posed a question of why you feel that as gay men we are never satisfied? I received many answers to this one question, but these five answers actually give us the best explanations of to why many of us are never satisfied.
1. CommitmentsAre Taken LightlyHave you ever started a project that you did not complete? We all may have been there at one part in our lives or not, but one of the sole factors of why black gay men are never satisfied is because we never commit to anything. We may drop out of school, live with people without committing to them but enjoy all the attributes that they may bring to the table and migrant from job to job like nomads. When we actually, "Get somewhere and Sat Down," we can start to see the advantages of being committed to projects and relationships. Commitments stabilizes our lives and makes us deal with issues without running away from them which is something most black gay men and men period really need in our lives.
2. InsecuritiesMany black gay men truly do not know what they want because they are too insecure within themselves about who they are. So, in turn, we go out and try to create lives that we feel that society would be happy with, but, we end up in the end hurting ourselves and others. Many of us get married, have children, and create a "Leave It to Beaver Household" because we have not accepted the obvious in fear of being ostracized by society. If we are DL, we are mentally and physically placing both the men and women in our lives at risk with this type of behavior by sleeping with men and not committing to them, and placing your family at risk by possibly not having a mother and a father in the future from promiscuous sex that you may be doing at the time. Instead of coming to grasp with our sexuality, we may hide behind sex, food, sleep, alcohol, or drugs, or any combination there of to seek refuge. We need to accept the fact that we like other men despite the fear of being ostracized because in the end when we seek to manipulate anyone, we always reap what we have sown.
3. Unrealistic ExpectationsI want a man with a body like L.L. Cool J, a face like Boris Kudjoe, money like Sean P Diddy Combs. He has to be an intelligent thug who has a lot of money and knows how to bring it correct in the bed. He has to be tall, ultra masculine, live in a great neighborhood in a fierce house with a Mercedes parked in the driveway. Does this sound foolish? That's because it is. We as black gay men have the hardest time being satisfied because we are looking for something that will not bring us happiness because it can not be found. We are constantly over looking nice men who may not be as fit, hard, sexy, intelligent, or wealthy as some other men, but they will treat you the way you should be treated in a relationship. Does this mean that we should do away with high expectations? NO, it means that we should not create expectations that we are forever chasing but never finding.
4. Past IssuesWhat is swept under the rug will cause you to trip over it eventually is a very true statement. Overlooking problems can be a quick fix to many of us, but in the end it brings more damage than good. Unresolved problems can lead us having anger problems, health issues, and unstable lives. Many gay men are not satisfied in life from this one reason because the one or few problems that we did not resolve is constantly recurring in our lives causing us not to live fulfilled and joyous lives. We can only get to this point when we tackle a problem and deal with it. The truth may hurt at the time, but it will hurt more in the future if they are not dealt with in a timely manner.
5. No High Expectations for SelfI want a big bank account! I want a job that pays a lot of money! I want to live in Buckhead, Manhattan, Lakeshore Drive, Colombia, MD, Beverly Hills, Germantown, and/or Austin. We have big dreams, but little drive and reality sometimes. Is our talk more than our drive? Many times the answer is yes. If we want to be taken seriously in society, we have got to demand more from ourselves. If we spend more money on clothes and cars than we do in savings, paying for school, and paying for a mortgage, then, we expect very little from ourselves. We have to display discipline in our lives that will bring us large bank accounts, a steady and prosperous career, and a nice home in an affluent neighborhood. The problem that many of us face is that we want these things without doing the ground work which can attain these dreams. We must practice patience and hard work because it is truth in the saying that patience is its own reward.
QUOTE OF THE DAY"
There are people who, instead of listening to what is being said to them, are already listening to what they are going to say themselves." -
Albert Guinon
