Another Day Pissed....

Life is what it is...whatever we bring to the table, it's either affirmed or stark realization of reality hits you bluntly and your forced to balance the scales of justice within your mental. I have always given my better half the benefit of the doubt...even though indiscretion occurred on his part...I let it go...as I know the challenges of one younger...but after a while one comes to realize that's his nature...or your actually crazy, insecure or delusional. Be it as it may, grandma always taught me to pay attention to your "gut feelings"...their never too far off course. "If it nags you, it nags you, it's up to you to determine the meaning -- whether good or bad."

A simple pharse sums up your life...I know I like men but I also like women...even though I resist the urge to be with one as of late...At this point in my journey I actually now what I need...my wants are many but my truth is singular...I say someone help me...I'm tired of trying the bullshit...but that's a commonality...not only with me...

You notice trends and/or patterns...but yet...you let the "other" persuade you differently becasue your so eager to want to know better...but it happens over and over again...when do you let the switch bring you back to where you were before all this shit happened. In the sane world we call it "sefl esteem" but in the reality of the things we called it "fed the fuck up".... Why do we cling to a feeling, a man and a dream?

I sit here at this damn blogger trying to calm my emotions even though in all the times I've known him, he turns off the expressway onto a side street a back way to the house at 2am in the morning....going to Crystals...a place where my affections are intense...to get himself something to eat... Yes, we were out...and like he said, "I'm going out for a drink." I was not sure what that meant but it was his way to say we're going out...

He mentions the fact that I get attention, numbers etc. when we go out...but when I flip the coin it's always I'm reading more into it that it needs to be...but alas, I'm not the one who stepped out! But tonight of all nights...I watched him closely in his element and he lived up to expectations...I'm not mad...I'm just disappointed...honest conversation before hand would have suffice...but you know...I made a promise not to mention my feelings...for a child would throw a tandrum...I have enough to deal with in my stupor than to deal with this so I leave it alone and encompass my persona into nonchalance...thus I write!

Today, begins a new day...I will do me...and think of him...I don't know how much...but I definitely will dial a number and let the life flow....

Venting & Rambling...

It's so strange when a friend calls me from another country, whom I'm not in contact with to tell me that he knows "my man is on A4A and talks to a friend of his in New York...and his friend sent him a photo of "my man's dick" that is his private photo on the site...tell me?

What should be going through my mind?...Now I met this man on A4A...questioned him before but he doesn't feel he should discontinue....I'm fine with it...but you know...I'm going to establish an account tomorrow....and who knows I may be talking to the same people he's talking to!

Why does love cause me to put up with shit?

At this point I'm a little over the edge...so these are honest feelings expressed and not expressed...